Exerpts from a Letter I Recently Wrote to A Dear Friend
My first thought is, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being 25 and single. I happen to like it. I have dated extensively, had many different relationships, and had plenty of opportunities to get married (one I very clearly just turned down, in fact). I have so far chosen not to get married, and I am happy with my decision. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being either a guy or a girl at my age and not being married. 25, 26 , 27 , 28 , 29, even 30. Still very young, still very everything.
But I do see you and I living in a society that puts marriage as paramount over everything else. This kind of pressure drives a lot of people into marriage perhaps before they may be ready (see the high divorce rates among LDS young married couples to get my point). This pressure also gives a serious guilt complex to those people who want to wait a while. I don’t think I’ve developed that complex thank goodness, but I have had to endure all manner of wankers telling me that getting married should be the number one item on my list of priorities for the last three years. If I were a woman, it would have been for the last 7 years. What that can do is make most people who CAN get married by my age get married, unless they are like me who just ignore the crap we’re fed.
What this culture also creates is a long line of young women who are my age, feeling guilty because they aren’t married, lonely because hey, they’re in their mid-20’s and single, and yet completely either unwilling or unable to develop relationships that move them towards a firm commitment. Like I said in my email, I see a lot who haven’t developed the one-on-one relationships with members of the opposite sex that prepare them for married life (the reasons I think for this we can discuss later). They think that it’s all just going to happen without their direct participation. They look with jealousy and anger on those young women who seem to be able to attract guys (i.e. the ones willing to put out the vibe and go to the gym and wear the make-up and be interested in some guy things) while being unwilling to put in the effort to do the things that make those girls attractive.
Now there are a lot of idiot guys out there of all ages who are doing the same thing: they are living their lives in a completely self-centered fashion and are frustrated as hell that for some reason a relationship just doesn’t fall into their laps. They don’t go to the gym, they don’t put the effort into trying to appeal to the opposite sex, and they think that it will all just happen for them. Strangely enough, sometimes it does and it more likely will for them than it will for women (life isn’t fair, that’s all I can say).
There are also a lot of wonderful young women of all ages (and I would put you as one of them) who are doing what they can to stay attractive and learning to deal with the opposite sex and seeking a relationship in the right ways. They are willing to ignore the crap about having to be married right off the mission or right out of high school and are willing to find themselves a bit before committing to a long-term relationship.
However, I think these women are fewer and further between than you currently believe. I think you are also in for an interesting journey... if you think you can make it to my age as a young woman in the LDS culture and not feel like you are a failure for not having a husband and 2.5 kids. Like I said in my email, it’s the nature of the Mormon beast.
On top of all this, we live in an American/Western society obsessed with sex, rotted by selfishness, confused about gender roles and screaming at women to be everything and nothing at the same time. My heart honestly goes out to men but especially women who are trying to balance who they want to be according to what the world and their ambitions drive them to be, and who the Church has taught them will bring them the most happiness. In the end, we all have a million voices telling us to be a million different things, and it’s up to each and every one of us individually to make sense of it all if we’re going to find any real lasting happiness.
But I do see you and I living in a society that puts marriage as paramount over everything else. This kind of pressure drives a lot of people into marriage perhaps before they may be ready (see the high divorce rates among LDS young married couples to get my point). This pressure also gives a serious guilt complex to those people who want to wait a while. I don’t think I’ve developed that complex thank goodness, but I have had to endure all manner of wankers telling me that getting married should be the number one item on my list of priorities for the last three years. If I were a woman, it would have been for the last 7 years. What that can do is make most people who CAN get married by my age get married, unless they are like me who just ignore the crap we’re fed.
What this culture also creates is a long line of young women who are my age, feeling guilty because they aren’t married, lonely because hey, they’re in their mid-20’s and single, and yet completely either unwilling or unable to develop relationships that move them towards a firm commitment. Like I said in my email, I see a lot who haven’t developed the one-on-one relationships with members of the opposite sex that prepare them for married life (the reasons I think for this we can discuss later). They think that it’s all just going to happen without their direct participation. They look with jealousy and anger on those young women who seem to be able to attract guys (i.e. the ones willing to put out the vibe and go to the gym and wear the make-up and be interested in some guy things) while being unwilling to put in the effort to do the things that make those girls attractive.
Now there are a lot of idiot guys out there of all ages who are doing the same thing: they are living their lives in a completely self-centered fashion and are frustrated as hell that for some reason a relationship just doesn’t fall into their laps. They don’t go to the gym, they don’t put the effort into trying to appeal to the opposite sex, and they think that it will all just happen for them. Strangely enough, sometimes it does and it more likely will for them than it will for women (life isn’t fair, that’s all I can say).
There are also a lot of wonderful young women of all ages (and I would put you as one of them) who are doing what they can to stay attractive and learning to deal with the opposite sex and seeking a relationship in the right ways. They are willing to ignore the crap about having to be married right off the mission or right out of high school and are willing to find themselves a bit before committing to a long-term relationship.
However, I think these women are fewer and further between than you currently believe. I think you are also in for an interesting journey... if you think you can make it to my age as a young woman in the LDS culture and not feel like you are a failure for not having a husband and 2.5 kids. Like I said in my email, it’s the nature of the Mormon beast.
On top of all this, we live in an American/Western society obsessed with sex, rotted by selfishness, confused about gender roles and screaming at women to be everything and nothing at the same time. My heart honestly goes out to men but especially women who are trying to balance who they want to be according to what the world and their ambitions drive them to be, and who the Church has taught them will bring them the most happiness. In the end, we all have a million voices telling us to be a million different things, and it’s up to each and every one of us individually to make sense of it all if we’re going to find any real lasting happiness.
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