there`s an old man on a city bus
holding a candy cane,
and it isn`t even christmas,
he sees a note in the obituary that
his last friend has died,
there`s an infant clinging to
his overweight mother in the cold
as they go to shop for cigarettes,
and she spends her last dollar
on a bottle of vodka for tonight

and I guess it struck a nerve,
like I had to squint my eyes,
you can never get out of the line of sight,
like a barren winter day,
or a patch of unburned green,
like a tragic real dream,
I guess it struck a nerve

every day I wander in negative disposition,
as I`m bombarded by superlatives,
realizing very well that I`m not alone,
introverted I look to tomorrow for salvation,
but I`m thinking altruistically,
and a wave of overwhelming doubt
turns me to stone

and I guess it struck a nerve,
sent a murmur to my heart,
we just haven`t got time to crack the maze,
like a magic speeding clock,
or a cancer in our cells,
a collision in the dark,
I guess it struck a nerve

I try to close my eyes,
but I cannot ignore the stimuli,
if there`s a purpose for us all
it remains a secret to me,
don`t ask me to justify my life

-- "Struck A Nerve" Bad Religion

Too much pride can go a long way

Some people seem to have this impression that they can be both good and bad at the same time. They think they are above good and bad and can do both according to their whim. They don’t think that doing wrong things can truly affect them. For them, “wrong” is simply an arbitrary appellation of just another perspective.

These people feel like the most sought after trait is to be completely unpredictable. This is manifest in the “you never know what I’m going to do” attitude. They value learning and knowledge but without priority. In other words, there is no better path, just different ones.

These people pride themselves on being beholden to none, needing help from no one, always learning but never giving their allegiance to anything or anyone. They are the ultimate maverick loner self-contained islands. They view the world with a kind of condescending sneer, satisfied and comfortable in their assumed sphere of superiority.

The truth is that no one is self-contained. No one is alone and capable of remaining such. No one can do good without being improved by it nor do wrong and not be marred by it. No one can remain free of allegiances throughout his or her life. They are foolish and stupid if they think they can do so. We all “buy in” to different things, and we are strengthened by that community. Some communities can hurt us and tie us down to the wrong priorities. Our wisdom and greatness in this life are manifested by how we invest what little time we have.

I pity those people who cannot understand these simple truths. I think they are afraid of the world around them and have been mislead by those who wish to control them. Those who do not accept and acknowledge their own influences risk others deciding for them who and what they are. And we all risk being this type of person.

Talk about riding in style! My dad's cousin got this stretch Lincoln this Saturday to take us and his family downtown DC. Definitely worth the ride! 

They make it look so easy in the movies

The strong silent types... the ones with the tortured insides... the ones fighting their inner demons... It gives them a kind of beauty, doesn't it?

They know what to say when the time comes. And even if they don't, the young woman who loves them doesn't care. She accepts him and wants him despite (because of?) all his faults. She doesn't give up. Neither does the audience, because the camera angles are always good, his hair and pecs are always well-crafted, and the infinite moments of the day-to-day are glossed over or just not filmed.

And when the camera is on, the anti-hero drowns his demons in alcohol or violence and the girl stands by him. Eventually he finds his humanity.

Except I've never fought a war, or had a loved one die in my arms. I have no romantic cause or great tragedy in my life to focus all my ubiquitous angst on and which gives color to my anguish.

I don't have the brilliant well-crafted lines and there's no audience. My delivery is heavy-handed, my character doesn't follow a linear plot-line and the heroine hasn't shown up yet. But the demons are still there and the humanity is just as elusive.

And the humanity is just as elusive.

Written last night

9 June 2004

I watched Reagan’s funeral this evening. I saw the beauty of my country, the beauty of America. I saw the capital, the troops, the uniforms, the 21 F-15s flying in formation, the 21-gun salute and the recognition shown to Mrs. Nancy Reagan. I saw the tens of thousands of Americans from all across the nation paying their respect to one of the greatest presidents of the 20th century.

I realized forcefully in my heart that I want to participate in the greatness of America. I want to contribute to its greatness and support the ideals it represents. I concluded that it matters little what part I play in my life as long as I am doing my best in my part and I am on the right side. I have a responsibility, then, not to be the greatest man that ever lived. I have a responsibility to play the greatest part in the roles this life presents me.

A Norwegian philosopher once said that the smaller we feel in comparison to the mountain, the closer we come to participating in its greatness.

It's just not the real world

I was flipping through the channels last night and came upon one of "The Real World" series on MTV.

In the few minutes I watched this was all I saw:

Everyone was fighting with each other. They screamed, swore, called each other names and insulted each other. No one seemed ready to make sacrifice towards any other member of the household.

Everyone went out to some party called "pimps and hos" and got really drunk, and then they started to fight again. Allegations of alcoholism were thrown at each other.

Then, everyone went back and a four or five of them paired or trioed off and slept together.

I know I've written on this subject before, but I see no "Real World" in this. If this is what my generation is all about, then Al Qaeda, Hezbollah and the Montana Militias have it all right. We should all be taken out behind the woodshed and shot. All these twenty-somethings with their picture-perfect bodies and overextended egos drinking, partying, screwing and hating, where is the humanity in this?

Of course, most people don't live this way, but people do look to this as the ideal, as the standard, or at least as a situation they would all like to have. I mean, who wouldn't like to live in a beach house with a bunch of good-looking people who seem to have no responsibility other than having a good time? Except they aren't having a good time, because all they do is think about themselves. Young people see these people's lives and take cues from them. This is being held up as what our generation is supposed to be like.

I believe in having a good time. I believe in enjoying yourself, but you know what? Some traditionalists in our society actually have a point. Being a happy person does involve selfLESSness and sacrifice. It involves work and self-restraint. Those things can actually BRING happiness, they aren't just necessary evils. I hope more people will see this without going to the other extreme. It's only in self-control that you can find what really matters.

Beautiful, huh? It's what happens when you're not paying attention to the road and it's wet and you're stupid.